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Welcome to our second issue joke page for the grownups. It's
not that there is anything here which should be hidden from children but,
if you're very young, you probably won't see what's supposed to be so
funny about most of them. For children's jokes, try our Larfs
page. We've got a few that should get you going and maybe you can send us in
your favourites too...
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Make us smile. Better still, make us laugh out loud.
We'll publish a selection of the best jokes you send in.
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Here's a corker from that scallywag 'Bluebeard the philosopher':
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A gentleman of the road knocks on the door of this Manor house and a Butler answers the
door.
"Yes, my man" says the Butler "What can I do for you?"
The tramp replies: "Do you think you could possibly fix me up with something to
eat? I am absolutely famished!"
The lady of the Manor calls down "Who is it Archibald?"
Archibald replies: "It's a gentleman of the Road Ma'am"
"What does he want?" enquires the lady.
"He requires something to eat Ma'am"
The Lady calls back down "Ask him if he fancies some cold rice pudding" to which the tramp replies that he would love
some. Archibald relays the message.
"Well", says the lady of the Manor, "Tell him to come back
tomorrow. It's still warm at the moment!"
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Yes, it was, as we recall, his friend Knock
Knock Jack Flash who put forward 'The Incontinent Mariner' by I.P. Dailey
as suitable reading material for a long sea-voyage...He probably wrote it too...Of course you
already know the one about the unsuccessful pirate? The one
with the patch over both eyes...
Returning to Bluebeard the philosopher's swagbag of jokes, we pulled this
one out...
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Two tramps were walking down a country lane when one asked the
other, "Have you got any money?" The other tramp relied that he had
not. He then asked if the other tramp had any food. The reply was that he had
not.
The first tramp said "This does not look so good. No money or food and the night is starting to close in."
"I know what to do" said the other tramp. "We will call at the Salvation Army headquarters in the next town and I will show you a good
dodge."
In time, the two tramps arrived at the 'Sally' Army headquarters and knocked on the
door.
A captain came to the door and said "What can I do for you, my friends of the
road?"
"Well, it's like this", said one of the tramps, "We have no money or food and I was wondering if you could put us up for the night?"
The Captain said to the tramp "If you can tell me a true story from the bible we will take you in."
"Right" said the tramp. "There is a story that immediately springs to
mind.
Samson and Delilah were grinding corn in a field when 40,000 Philistines
came over the hill. Samson picked up the jaw bone of the ass and slew the Philistines with a mighty
blow."
"Very good" said the captain. "That is a true story. In you come."
The following day, the two tramps parted company. The tramp who had stood by and listened to the dodge decided that he would try the dodge that
evening.
He came upon the next town and, sure enough, there was a 'Sally' Army headquarters
there, so he knocked on the door.
An officer appeared, in braided uniform, and he said "Yes, my friend of the
road. What can I do for you?"
The tramp said "I have no money or food. I was wondering if you could fix me up
and, also, give me a bed for the night."
"Yes, my friend," replied the officer, "If you can tell me a story from the
bible."
"That's easy" said the tramp. "It's like this. Samson and Delilah were having a grind in a field when all of a sudden 40,000 silly swines came over the
hill. Samson picked up the ass bone of a giraffe and he gave those silly swines a good smacking with
it!"
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Oh that incorrigible fellow! If you've visited
the Rogues Gallery in our Diversions section, you'll have discovered that
Bluebeard the philosopher (aka Knock Knock Jack Flash amongst other things)
has the innocent look that all truly naughty people develop ... and here's another joke from
him...
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A man is waiting in the queue at a bus stop when, all of a sudden he breaks wind.
The guy next to him turns around and says "How dare you do that in front of my
wife!"
The man replies "I am so sorry! I do apologise! I didn't realise it was her
turn."
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No, no, Bluebeard hasn't finished yet...
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The local lifeboat is called out to rescue a lady sailor in distress.
As the lifeboat comes alongside, the coxswain boards her vessel and says to the
lady "This is the first time I have rescued a pregnant woman in all the years I have been
a lifeboat volunteer."
The lady replies "But I am not pregnant!"
The coxswain says " Well I haven't finished rescuing you yet!"
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Not all of Bluebeard the philosopher's jokes are
fit for publication, by any means, as he is the first to agree, but he passed
one on that had been sent to his son by a friend which we tend to agree is
possibly the best chicken joke yet...
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its
face.
The egg, looking a bit brassed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over
and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Nigel Luther, Bluebeard's e-pal, is another sailor who tells a
great joke:
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A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her
flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that
tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, put her nickel in, and out came a card that said:
"You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself "It probably tells everyone the same
thing", but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a
card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to
herself "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It
said: "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break
wind." Now, the nun
knew the machine was wrong: "I've never
broken wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke
wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the
machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and
farted around and missed your flight."
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Another splendid joke from Nigel Luther, although we're
inclined to believe this next one might be a true story...
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There is a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge
of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani
suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the
shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of
them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of
grazing sheep and replies, "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters
a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd answers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return
my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are a consultant."
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already
knew and third, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my dog back?"
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Another witty tale from Nigel Luther...
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he
sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have
found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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We have Les Green to thank for the next one, which is a double joke and
peculiarly English...apologies for the second punch-line to anyone who is not
familiar with English slang...
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Quasimodo, the bell-ringing hunchback of Notre Dame, is getting older and
decides to look for a younger man who can take over the bell-ringing. That way
he will be able to retire. He puts an advertisement in the local paper and, sure
enough, a couple of days later there is a knock on the door to the bell tower.
"Who is it?" cries Quasimodo.
"I've come about the bell ringing job" replies a young voice.
"Come up here, then", replies Quasimodo, "If you hurry, you
can try ringing the bell for three o'clock and see if you're any good at
it."
The youth rushes up the stairs and arrives just in time. Quasimodo says
to him "I will do the first ring, so that you can see how it is done and
then you can do the other two. Here we go then. You take a hold of the bell like
this" he says, grasping the rim firmly with both hands, "and you use
your forehead to hit it hard enough to swing it away from you, remembering to
let go, of course."
Giving the bell an almighty head-butt, Quasimodo steps back as the huge booming
sound rings round the tower and out into the street and lets the boy take his
place.
The lad takes a hold of the huge bell as it swings back towards him and
applies his head with all his might but, unfortunately, forgets to let go and,
as the mighty bell swings out over the void, the poor youth is flung
bodily to the ground. Quasimodo rushes to the foot of the tower and out into the
street, where he finds a gendarme, as the French policemen are called, standing
over the body.
"Do you know this man?" asks the gendarme.
"Well" says Quasimodo "That face rings a bell"...
A couple of days later, there is a knock on the door to the tower.
"Who is it?" cries Quasimodo.
"I've come about the bell ringing job" replies a young voice.
"Well, you had better come up" shouts down Quasimodo. "We can
chat for a few minutes until it is time to ring the bell and then we will see
whether you are capable."
When the youth reaches the top of the stairs, Quasimodo is taken aback by the
resemblance between this young man and the unfortunate candidate of a couple of
days ago. The explanation is soon forthcoming.
"My twin brother came for the job the other day " the youth tells
Quasimodo, "but, unfortunately, he met with an accident, as you know."
Quasimodo expresses his regret and, noticing that it is time to ring the bell
he shows the young man how it is done and steps aside so that he might have a go
at ringing the great bell. To his horror, this youth makes exactly the same
mistake as his brother did before him and is soon lying in a crumpled heap on
the street below.
Quasimodo rushes down the many winding steps of the tower and out into the
street. There, he finds the gendarme, bent over the grotesque remains of the
latest applicant for Quasimodo's job.
"Do you know this man?" asks the gendarme, perplexed.
"Well" says Quasimodo, peering at the remains of the poor youth.
"He's a dead ringer for the other one."...
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In case you are wondering what the last line is supposed to mean, 'a dead ringer' is English slang for a person or object looking remarkably like
another...we thought we'd just mention that, knowing how horrible it is not to
know what is supposed to be funny about something..
Well, we need jokes for the June issue so, if you've enjoyed any
or all of these, perhaps you'd care to match one or more with a joke of your own
and if you didn't enjoy any of them perhaps you can send in a joke you really do
think is funny... you'd be doing everyone a good turn!
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