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This is the joke page for the grownups. It's not that there is anything here
which should be hidden from children but, if you're very young, you
probably won't see what's supposed to be so funny about most of them. For
children's jokes, try our Larfs
page. We've got a few there that should get you going and maybe you can send us in
your favourites too...
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Make us smile. Better still, make us laugh out loud. Somebody ought to!
We'll publish a selection of the best jokes you send in. Laughing is good for
the health, they say. Let's start with a few doctor jokes and see if it's
true...
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A man left home to take a stroll one day when, suddenly, he was taken ill.
Staggering into the doctors' office he collapsed on the couch.
"I feel terrible, Doctor" he rasped.
"You look pretty sick, I must say" the doctor replied. " I'd better run some tests on you, right away".
Shortly afterwards, the doctor returned, looking very worried.
"I don't know how to tell you this" he said, " you've only got three minutes to live!"
"Three minutes?!" croaked the unfortunate man, "Three months I could bear. Three weeks, even, but three minutes?! Is there nothing you can do for me?"
The doctor pondered for an instant.
"Soft boiled egg?" !
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It wasn't much later that a second man staggered into the surgery, looking
almost as sick as the first.
The doctor took a step back and then started examining the unfortunate
fellow.
Having completed his analysis the doctor decided to give it to the man straight,
no frills.
"Well, sir " he said, briskly "you're certainly not a well man.
You have Yellow Fever, Cholera and Typhoid, various venereal diseases and it
looks as though there are malignant growths in several of your major internal
organs."
The man was, naturally enough, shocked and asked what course of treatment the
doctor had in mind.
"We're going to put you in a room with no window and feed you a diet of
wafer-thin pizza" the doctor told him.
"Is that a guaranteed cure?" asked the patient.
"Well, no" said the doctor "It's the only thing we can slide
under the door"!
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Next patient to enter the doctor's office is a woman.
"Doctor" she says, wearily, " I have the most terrible
headache".
"That's O.K." says the doctor, " I wasn't planning on
having sex with you anyway"!
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It's a group practice and, just two doors down, the psychiatrist is having an
unusually busy day.
Spotting an unfamiliar face, he glances down at his agenda to get her name and,
looking up again, happens to notice that she has a duck tucked under her arm.
"Please, make yourself comfortable, Mrs. Jones" says the eminent man.
"That's good. Now, tell me, what can I do to help you?"
Mrs. Jones seems quite surprised by the question.
"Oh, it's not me that needs your help, doctor, it's my husband here. He
thinks he's a duck"!
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O.K. That's enough about quacks. Well, nearly...
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Q: What is the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings?
A: The difference of a pinion.
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Here's one which had us falling about, from John Bolt of m/v Malin
Mhor:
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Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window
and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit
the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this
555 - 7039?"
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Thanks to Gilly McMullen for this one:
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PROFESSIONAL:
Are you qualified to be a professional?
The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it evaluates whether you are qualified to be a professional. According to
statistics of Andersen Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam.
The questions are not that difficult. You just need to be a bit...
1.Q. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is : open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2.Q. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your prudence.
3.Q. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant ...still in the refrigerator. This tests whether you have a comprehensive
thinking.
OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be
your last chance to testify your qualification to be a professional.
4.Q. There is a river, which is lived in by crocodiles. How do you manage to cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
I hope you got this one right...
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Hmm...we're not saying we think she's obsessed with wildlife issues but here
are another couple of her contributions:
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A panda went into a restaurant and sat down at a table.
The waiter brought him the menu and the panda selected a dish of bamboo shoots
which he set about consuming, with obvious relish. Having finished his meal, the
panda got up, pulled out a pistol, shot the waiter and walked out of the
restaurant.
The manager, shocked and perplexed, ran out into the street and, catching up
with the animal, asked why on earth he had done such a thing.
"Don't you know anything?" the panda asked. " I'm a panda, for
goodness sake! Look it up!"
The manager, returning to his office, was intrigued enough to get down the
relevant volume of the encyclopaedia and turn to the entry which made all clear:
Panda: Animal which eats shoots and leaves...
Q. What do you get when you cross a tiger with a parrot?
A. I don't know what it's called, but when it talks, YOU LISTEN.
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And, while we're on the subject of parrots...Jonathan
Savage of 'G - String' wants to know if you've heard the one about...
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... the man who called in a plumber to fix some leaking pipes but was unavoidably
detained elsewhere when the plumber arrived at his home. Hearing the plumber's
knock, the pet parrot inside the house called out "Who is it ?" and the plumber shouted back "It's the plumber, come about
the pipes", to which the parrot responded with "Who is it?" and the plumber repeated his reply.
Again the parrot shouted the question and again the man shouted back "It's
the plumber, come about the pipes" but again, the parrot asked
and this went on until the unfortunate man suffered a heart attack, collapsed
and died on the doorstep.
Some while later, the householder returned, to find the dead body of a stranger
on his doorstep. "Who is it?" he cried in alarm. Quick
as a flash, the parrot shouted back "It's the plumber, come about the
pipes"!
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Thanks to the cruisers of Chaguaramas for the following:
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Q: What's the difference between computers and women?
A: Computers don't mind three and a half inch floppies!
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Q: What is a woman's answer to Viagra?
A: A Vigraine!
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A man went into a bar and said, to a woman sitting there,
"Madam, can I smell your bottom?"
"No, you most certainly can not, you pervert" she replied.
"Then it must be your feet" said the wag, walking away.
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Here's one from Del on 'Peace of Mind':
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A woman was walking down a London street when a gust of wind blew her skirt up around her head. A gentleman, passing by, said
"Airy, isn't it?".
Hastily pulling her skirt back down, the lady replied "Well what did you expect? Feathers?"
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Jim 'Oz' Jackson of the sloop 'Matilda J' says "People think we
Australians have no sense of humour about our ancestry and I'd like your readers
to know that just isn't true. Here's my contribution:..."
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Travelling to Australia for the first time, an English businessman hands
his passport to an immigration official who proceeds to inspect it carefully. As
he does so, the officer asks, amongst other questions, what the purpose of his
visit might be. The businessman explains that his company is considering opening
up a branch of the business in Sydney and he has come over to to look at
suitable properties for the purpose. "Do you have a criminal record?" asks the officer.
Quite disconcerted, the businessman replies "Well, no, actually, I haven't.
I didn't realize it was still necessary to have one!"
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It's Your Turn! e-mail us a joke or two for the next edition and if you fancy trying your hand as a cartoonist, too...so
much the better.
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